"A man's heart plans his way but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9


Monday, February 22, 2010

God's plan revealed.

Since our Papa Jean passed away, I have wanted to put up a post here, but haven't had the words to express what I was feeling.
Mostly, I think the reason for that is because I feel so guilty for moving to Montana before we were able to bring him with us. We couldn't change the fact that his cancer came back so quickly after we moved here to start preparing a place for us and one that he would feel comfortable to call home. We couldn't change that the transfer couldn't take place until his chemo was done. We made as many trips back as possible, even by myself with all the kiddos, to care for him after surgeries and then to be with him before he passed.
I try to reason it in my head that we did all we could under the circumstances, but I still just feel so terrible when I think of him alone at times.
When just the year before, he was surrounded by all his
Watching him smile anytime they came into the room... buying them capri suns and stocking up on suckers for them. Telling all his friends stories of his "babies" in complete detail...he found so much joy in them,
and we took that away.
Thinking of him in the Dr's office, the one I ALWAYS went with him to, to hear the Dr. tell him the cancer was back and it was much worse...
Even talking to him on the phone everyday and hearing him tell me he was doing well...I knew he wasn't, but he would never let on...made me so sad.
It really just makes my heart sick.
He was such a strong man and I believe God let him on his little secret.
With wisdom from God,
he led us here...
like all the shepherd's in his homeland of France.
His favorite book in those last days of his life was one my mom gave him...
Lessons From a Sheep Dog.
He knew this is where the "sheep" of his life were
supposed to be.
I think I can honestly say that I have never doubted God, but many times I have just wondered what His plan could possibly be.
Well, He showed me something tonight when I was on the "Welcome to the Experience" website. I was giving a little story about our family and how I think Phil is a total stud and hero and then mentioned...
Remember in Canaan's story how God gave me his name even before we knew he was a boy. Well, He also gave me that name before we knew the fate of Phil's dad.
I have been feeling so guilty for being here when I felt like we should be there with him, caring for him as we always had.
Canaan means: LAND OF PROMISE!!
We were supposed to be here.
God called us here.
Jesus took care of Papa Jean in our absence. God wanted to take care of Papa, and obviously did a much better job. He called Papa Jean home to a more beautiful place than France or Montana could ever be!
Sometimes I don't know what God is doing, but He does and that is all that matters.


Raquel said...

Hi friend! i love reading this, you are exactly where you are supposed to be! sounds like you have so much more family time in Montana and that is the most important thing, although i miss you so much my heart hurts at the moment thinking about it

Rossie said...

Thankyou Raquel...I love and miss you so much!! I wish I could've brought you with me. Christmas is kinda sad too...I really miss the cookie exchange!! :)

brandi said...

Rossie- This post is beautiful and its just what I needed to hear. Ive not quite been the same since I lost the twins, sometimes I wonder if God really knows what he's doing (I know silly of me.) I miss you friend but am so happy that you have finally made it home.